Agoraphobia

I missed so many events in my children's school years. Ball games, I did not attend even though my son was the star player. Captain of his school football team and sought after by college scouts.  I wasn't there to cheer his team on, or give support. I sat at home and listened to the game on the radio. 

Looking back, I realized that when I did go out, it would be to a new years eve party, or a outdoor cookout, and I would mix a strong alcoholic drink before I even started getting dressed. Always, there was several drinks before walking out the door. I never drank at home at any other time. 

I had a thousand excuses for staying at home. I told others I just did not like to shop, I had so much to do at home, or that I just enjoyed being home. I even made myself believe that was true. 

My husband was sent out of state for two years to set up sites for a cable company. We rented a mobile home and settled in. We had been there for over six months when I had to go pay the rent as my husband had other business to attend. At the rental office the landlord introduced me to a man in the office. He looked me up and down and exclaimed, " Why, there is nothing wrong with you!" "You are the mystery lady of the complex." He went on to say that the entire neighborhood discussed me. Some thought I might be bed fast, others, felt I was disabled in some way, but able to cook and care for the family. "We knew there was a mother in the home as one of the kids would say to another, Mom said for you to come home, or mom needs you to go to the store" but No one has ever seen you. I can't wait to get back to the complex and tell everyone that not only are you young, but very healthy looking, he laughed. I had not been outside that mobile home since the day we moved in over six months before. I never asked myself if that was unusual, or odd behavior. I had plenty to do cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, watching television, and I had began my own Bible study and had read the entire Bible. My days were full. 

After the children were grown and living their own lives, I had jobs that kept me confined. I worked as a cook for a large towing company. I lived on the boat. I went to the galley and did my job and then to my quarters to read, watch tv and sleep.  I sometimes stayed on the boat for two months before getting off. I had to get a stiff drink at the airport lounge as soon as I arrived. Then several on the plane. I needed the tranquilizer to get me home, and the same for getting back to work. I worked on the river for twelve years and then went into home health care

I started as a live in care giver. I worked 24 hours a day, seven days a week. My patient was usually terminal and I would remain with them till the end. I always had work as my reputation for constant and good care giving became established. I did not work through an agency, but friends and relatives of my patient would tell others how dependable I was and I was in great demand. I was usually with the same person from two to four years. This work was ideal for me as I lived in the home and never had to venture outside. During this type of employment I got a computer and got on the internet. 

Ahh, my computer and the internet. My world expanded and  evolved around my life in cyberspace. I certainly did not feel confined. I joined webrings and got on committee's. I had friends all over the world. My social life was full. Sadly, I knew more about my net friends than I did my next door neighbor. When I retired, I had my home paid for and my social security, and I could manage on my check quite well as my needs were so few. I didn't need a lot of expensive clothes as I never went anywhere. Although I did have the same old automobile I never went anywhere so I did not use a lot of gas. My daughter did my shopping needs, and picked up my groceries. 

I did not realize that as I had gotten older, my illness had progressed. The only time I had left my home in years for for doctors appointments. ( many I missed) My son had bought a store and lodge in a tourist area and needed me to help him get started by hiring employee's and managing the business. Once there I was stranded. It's been four years and I am still at the store. I have not been able to go back home. I keep putting it off. My son had to build a room off the storage room for me. Then he bought a camper and put it next to the back door and I never knew when I was going from the store into the camper. I finally made it to the office, where I had an apartment attached. My home is still sitting fully furnished just like the day I left it. dishes in the cabinet, outdated clothes still hang in the closets. I miss home but it's been so long that I wonder if I will ever go back. My health is suffering as I keep making appointments and missing them. I tried the paxil, but it gave me tremors and shakes so badly, I could not hold a cup in my hands. Maybe someday I will get the courage to ask someone to get me a bottle from the liquor store, drink it and go home. ( P.S. home is 200 miles away )

I do fine as long as I am indoors. I must have the blinds closed and drapes on the windows. Friends or family would come in and ask how I could stand the darkness. It was not dark to me as I never went outside. I would make an appointment to get my blood work and lab work, but when the day drew near, the panic would begin. I have literally pulled the covers over my head and not be able to get out of bed when I knew I had to go somewhere. A feeling of dread that I can not accurately explain. Truthfully, I just do not deal with it enough to describe it. I just block from my mind the fact that I must go somewhere and once the deadline has passed I relax and promise myself I will keep the next appointment. 

The neighborhood children destroyed my beautiful swimming pool and I did not know it for two years as I had not been in my back yard. I can not even go to the mail box in front of my home to get my mail. My little great granddaughter spent two hours each evening with me until her mom came from work to pick her up. She would get off the school bus and get my mail and bring it in. 

On the rare occasions I did keep a doctors appointment, my blood pressure would be sky high when they checked it due to the anxiety of leaving home.

It's amazing how little is known of this condition, as people just think I am a recluse, and accept that I am a stay home person. They probably do not even know the word, Agoraphobia. Most people think I do not venture out because I am deaf and do not want to be in crowds where I can not communicate. I looked for web rings on the net and  I only found one other person with this condition. Not as severe as mine, as she can go places with a trusted friend. 

I am going to keep looking for others and hope to find a support group that may give me idea's of how to fight this disability. Or have I waited to long.

Having a bad day. It is Oct. 1, 2005. The Arts and crafts festival has been in progress the past few days. It is a large event in this small tourist area. It attracts over 40.000 people each year. We are in the main hub of it. I had promised my son, I would help out this week. Each year all family members work the event. We have RV parking, Lots for sellers and vendors, Car parking, and the store has huge cookers grilling and bar-b-q shoulders and Ribs on the grills. The kids sell snow cones from their little stands. It is like a large fair. There is always several funnel cake stands and I love funnel cakes. I had my digital camera ready to take pictures of the event.  The sellers and vendors began arriving last Wednesday. Traffic on the lake is at a crawl. We have all the RV pads filled, all the vendor lots are sold out. the parking areas are filled. and here I sit still trying to gather courage to walk out the door. 

All I have to do is open the door and step out side and I am in the mist of all the carnival atmosphere. I opened the blinds and I see all the activity, the people walking around laughing and enjoying themselves and I want so badly to join in, but the cramps tie my stomach in knots. I can not even stand straight as the pain is so severe. My hands tremble and my heart is beating wildly. Another broken promise and the enormous guilt for having let my family down again. 

I am so reliable taking care of the office work. Making reservations over the internet. Maintaining the business web site is a pleasure, never a chore. I live in the office so there is no going outside involved in my task. Why can't I open that door? Why can't I take out the garbage? Why can't I walk outside? Why can't I act and do things normal people do. I often wonder how people like me get help. If I can not go to a doctor, how can I get treatment ?